I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
porn star boner night. come get it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
