Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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