so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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