I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
