Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
