there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
