I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
