Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
