Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
