So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
