$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We need to get me chipped asap