I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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