remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He kissed a someone with a penis
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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