he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
