My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Randomize
