Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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