When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
