I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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