Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
