I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
