I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
