My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
