when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
