I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
