In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
