There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
