Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
time to smoke my breakfast
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
