The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
