I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
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We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
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All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize