I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She's the barista slut.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
