Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
