I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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