I cut my penus on the lid.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
