Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
