Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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