My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
