i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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