he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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