I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
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I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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