i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i love accidental penises.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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