i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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