she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
