Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
