you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You ruined the universe
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
