I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
is that a dick in a sweater?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
