I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
