Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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