I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
