Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
