I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
