I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
