yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
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I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
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Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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