when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
