I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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