I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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