No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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