Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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