It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
