i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
they need to just BURY HIM!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
