Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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