i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
